Toddler's Guide.... (cont.)

Chapter 3: Start Small



Driving your parents insane should be approached very carefully. You should also know that these first few years will set the tone for the relationship you'll have with your parents for the rest of your life. You must go slow otherwise you will not get the desired results. In otherwords start smal. Literally do not take on any task bigger than yourself.



The following are good places to start, espeically for those 0-12mos.

1. Missing milestones. If you're the oldest missing milestones will frustrate and annoy your parents to no end. If you're the 2nd, etc definitely do not follow the same timeline as your older siblings - we gotta keep the 'rents on their toes. Just when they think they have us figured out we need to change the game. A very good example is my family. S (the oldest) started crawling at 10mos, and walked at 11mos. I came along (T) and decided to crawl around 11mos and not walk until 13mos. Then there's Baby A. (She took this to a whole new level.) Crawled at 6-7mos, and was walking at 12mos. So, even though you know you can roll over....hold out. The look on the 'rents face when you finally do is all worth it. Better yet, just forget about crawling and go straight to walking - that'll throw the 'rents for a real loop!!



2. Being different. Yeah, yeah - I know were all different. What I'm referring to is make sure you do just enough stuff like your siblings or so-and-so's kids to keep the 'rents happy, but you still gotta make your own path. I, S and R are not climbers.....but Baby A sure is. In other ways she similiar, but with her being a climber she's not. Remember it's all about keeping your parents on their toes. BTW - Baby A has really out done herself and I would even say has surpassed me in this department.

3. One thing. Pick that one thing that annoys the 'rents more than anything and continuously do it. You like to take your diaper off and run around naked - do it. No matter how many times you're told "no" - do it. Undressing in public your thing - go for it. Screaming because you can - make it loud. Throwing food - do it with meaning. (Okay, must point out don't do this until you've had your full.) What ever it is (and you know what it is) do it repeatedly and give it 110%. Plus you get the added bonus of doing something you've been told not to do!! Come on - be a rebel - you know you wanna!

4. Something unexpected, yet expected. By this I mean do something they wouldn't expect, but when they look back on the 'rents should've known you'd try or do it. Take this example from my own personal accomplishments: take the turtle out of the tank and set it free. Don't say anything, just let the 'rents or siblings discover the disappearance. In this instance the 'rents are repeatedly putting me in time out for playing in the tank, so you'd think they'd realize that eventually I'm going to get brave enough to actually take out a turtle and play with it. Apparently not. You see - 'rents like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think we're smarter than we really are. 'Rents haven't figured out that we probably won't get any common sense until we're well into our twenties....but God love 'em they are optimists which make us opportunists!

Toddler's Guide to Driving Your Parents Insane

Chapter 1: Introduction

Hi, my name is T, and I just turned 3 on June 10th. I have two older 1/2 brothers, S (6.5yo) and R (almost 5yo) and one younger sister, Baby A ( 1yo). My Daddy stays home and watches me and my sister. He does a pretty good job, and this book is written in part because I did have this time at home with dear ol' dad to hone and perfect my techniques. Enjoy the reading and if I've helped one future toddler out there this was all worth it. (And no my sister doesn't count!)


Chapter 2: The Basics

Before one starts to drive the 'rents insane you must learn these few techinques I've picked up for getting out of trouble or at least lessening the punishment.
1. Cry everytime you're told no, spanked, sent to time out, or hand is slapped, etc. Really play this up as it makes the 'rents feel extremly guilty. Sometimes you can get the added bonus of entertaining them which in return they get so happy the forget why they were mad at you in the first place. WARNING: Do not turn this into a temper tantrum or it will back fire and you'll be in more trouble than when you started. Whinning, etc is also not tolerated well by the 'rents.

2. Play up your natural cuteness. Got those gorgeous blue eyes - work 'em baby. Beautiful curly locks - don't let them cut your hair. Heart melting smile - melt away baby! You get the idea - work with what you got 'cause this cuteness only lasts so long. Trust me on this one....I'm on the downside of cute....once you hit 4 it's all over.

3. The big bottom lip. This one is crucial. The more you stick it out the better results you'll get. Seriously here. I thought I had this mastered, but my sister has taken this to new lengths. I now get in trouble for taking back a toy that she originally took from me when that lip comes out. The 'rents get sooo distracted by that thing they forget who did what to whom so it's automatically assumed I was being the bully.

4. Hugs & Kisses. Really do I need to elaborate. The 'rents live for these. Oh, and toss in an "I love you" and you're golden. Oh, and not only do this to the 'rents, but grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, and especially siblings!

cont.

Next installment coming soon!

Random Thoughts

*T has decided that his answer to everything is "no" or "nope". Better yet, we got "I'm gonna kick your butt" the other day. Where does this child come up with this stuff?

*Sibling bickering - it's already started between Baby A and T. I thought I had a few more years, but nope Baby A has decided that whatever someone else has it is hers and she must take it. And she's strong in body and will. Right now the biggest battles are over sippy cups and blankies.

*How to keep your kids outside: tell them that if they come in they'll have to clean. :D Yup, told this to S, R, and T on Sunday when it was a georgeous 80 degrees out. Guess what - they chose to be outside rather than pick-up their toys. Go figure.

*The dog. She's great with the kids, but the chewing has got to STOP! She's ruined approximately $200 in toys, etc around the house. What's worse is that she's now taken to grabing dirty laundry to chew on. K is looking into training for her.

*2 1/2 weeks!!! How much time left of S's summer vacation w/DSSD. Can not wait. However, not looking forward to undoing all the bad habits he acquired there. Good thing is that I've got two weeks before school starts to undo them all.

Summer Sucks

I only say that as S is at DSSD's until the 3rd of August. I do have a week of vacation with him, but choose to take it the week before I get him back hoping that would be enough time (2 weeks before school starts) to undo the bad habits from Daddy's.

Anyhoo - the low point hit last night when T woke up crying and wondering around the house at 3am yelling S's name. I finally got him calmed down and asked him if he misses S - "Yeeass" was the response. At that point I started to cry a little too, but successfully got him back into bed.

Can't believe I have at least 11 more summers of this shit. :(

You think you live in the big city until . . .

. . .your dog goes out in your backyard at 5am and beats the crap out of a raccoon. Luckily Lady only has a few scratches, but there's blood all over our back porch and the poor critter is in a corner in our back yard on it's last leg. K is to call Animal Control this morning at 8am. Hopefully they'll be able to come out and do something.

Why can't he just listen to me?

I'll admit I'm not the most technically savey person out there, but I know just enough to be dangerous and get by. Anyhoo - Monday (June 30th) we got in our replacement router for the computer. (The old one had died and Linksys, aka Cisco, replaced it for free. There's a good reason to register your electronics!!) Took me about 30 minutes to hook-up both computers. Played a couple of on-line games and all was well.

Then yesterday K, aka DumbAss, was having problems with the program he uses to talk to other players in one of the games he plays on-line. Rather than listening to me, I told him not to do anything and let me fix something first, he just goes ahead and changes what some guy told him. You guessed it - he disabled the router. Right as I was in the middle of chat with someone at Linksys get answers on fixing our router connection.

Luckily for him after all the problems we had with the last router I knew how to reset it, etc. Did that, unistalled everything on both computers related to the router, and took another 30 minutes to re-hook-up everything. Guess what - the little program that wasn't working properly before works fine now.